Finally A Baby!!

After a few months of nothing happening, on October- 8-2011, I knew I was one day late for my cycle. Cody and I decided to go get a test. When we got home I took it, it was a very very faint positive. Even though you could barely see it we were so happy!! We didn't want to tell anyone yet, not even our parents. We had to pick up Hadlie that night at his parents house and when we got there Hadlie was sitting on my lap and said "How big is the baby?" I said to her, "What baby?" She looked at me like I was stupid and said "The baby in your tummy!" I didn't want to say anything to her since she was so hurt the last time so I didn't answer. About a week later on the 15th we got another test to make sure. I took it right when I woke up and it was a very bold positive. We were SO happy!!! We were at my parents so we told them, Cody's parents, my sister, my two best friends and my cousin. Right away I called my doctor to let him know and to get on Progesterone to help keep the baby this time. Even though we were so excited we were also scared of the same thing happening yet again. Every night Cody would rub my tummy and tell the baby "Good night little man, I love you."

A few days later was Hadlie's birthday party, I was 6 1/2 weeks. My whole family was there so we decided to tell them. They couldn't believe it and were so happy!! I was a little worried about telling them cause I knew the next day we had our first ultrasound and didn't know what we would find. The next day at the ultrasound my parents came down to go with us, my mom sat with Hadlie on her lap while Cody stood right next to me holding my hand tightly. There wasn't a baby but there was a sac with something on the side of it. They figured I was only about 5 weeks instead of 6 and to come back to get another one in a few weeks. We were so excited that there was something there even though there wasn't a baby yet!!

On November-18-2011 was our next appointment. This time Cody's mom Tammy came with us along with my mom and Hadlie. I was so nervous but Cody told me everything would be okay. Dr. Thackeray came in and started the ultrasound, I didn't notice that what we were looking at was our beautiful little baby until Cody said "Is that the heartbeat?" Dr. Thackeray said "YEP!" I was so happy that it finally happened and started tearing up. Cody picked Hadlie up to show her our new little baby. Dr. Thackeray measured the baby and said I was 9 weeks and 1 day. It was so little but moving all over the place and punching. We got two pictures of our little peanut and I couldn't stop looking at them. I sent it to all my brothers and sisters, they were all so happy to finally see this little baby we have all waited so long for. Cody was so excited, we had been through so much to get this baby and we finally had one with a heartbeat!! Dr. Thackeray told us I was due June-21-2012... 2 days after our second anniversary!!

Our next appointment was on Nov-30-2011, I was almost 11 weeks. We got another ultrasound and our little baby was so much bigger..in just two weeks!! We could see the head, body, legs and arms now. She was kicking and punching like crazy and pushed her whole body up, we got to hear the heartbeat and we both about cried. Dr. Thackeray said everything was looking great so far and that we could go to one appointment a month and that by our next appt we might be able to see what the gender is. Everything was going so good, we had a baby and it had a heartbeat, we couldn't be any happier..our family was finally growing!!!

The Pain and Heartache

After our loss I was so mad at everybody, no matter how many times I was told "It will happen when the time is right." it didn't seem to help me at all. Every pregnant lady I saw, I thought to my self "Why do you get a baby and I don't?"  Why did all these people get to be happy and glowing with a cute little baby belly that I wanted so bad?  I didn't want to feel this way, but I didn't know how to control it, I was hurting so bad in side.  It was really hard to explain how I was really feeling. Two of my sister in laws had become pregnant and had their babies throughout the whole year we were trying,  As much as I loved them and loved my little nephews I couldn't help but feel resentment towards them, that they got pregnant so fast and got to have a little baby and be so happy. I asked Cody one time "Why do they get to have babies but not me?"   We were married and doing the right things, we had a good, healthy, happy marriage, so what were we doing wrong that they were doing so right?  
After my feelings started calming down I started to think back to when I got pregnant with Hadlie at 17.  My brother and his wife had been trying to have a baby for a while and couldn't get pregnant and they didn't know why it wasn't happening. When my parents told them that I was pregnant, his wife just started to cry. When I was around her I could feel the tension and resentment she had towards me for getting pregnant so young without being married when they had done it the right way, falling in love, getting married then trying to have a baby. I never really understood why she would feel that way about me and why she would be so mad, until after trying so hard and having so many losses of our own. I couldn't believe that I had those feelings towards my sister in laws and I felt horrible for it. I finally knew and understood why she felt that way towards me for so long. 

Trying To Conceive Part 2

After the first D&C we had a hard time understanding how there was no baby. It took a little while to get over the loss even though there was no baby, we still felt like we lost something. We decided to keep trying and on May 12 we found out I was pregnant again, we were SO excited but at the same time we were a little scared that the same thing might happen. We decided to tell  Hadlie that mommy had a baby in her tummy and that she would soon have a little brother or sister, she was so happy and would kiss my tummy everyday and say "I love you baby." 
We had our one year anniversary on June 19 and the next day had our first doctor's appointment, we went to the doctor, had a exam then went in for our ultrasound. We were so excited to see our new little baby that would soon join our family. As I was laying there watching the TV screen I asked the Ultrasound Tech if there was a heart beat, she asked me if I wanted her to tell us what she thought about the baby, we said yes and she said "You should be 10 weeks but the baby is only measuring 6 weeks and there is no heart beat."  I was completely devastated and began to cry. Cody stood by my side and held my hand while the doctor came in to talk to us about it. He reassured us that he would do everything he could to get us pregnant with a healthy baby no matter what it took. We made a appointment for another D&C for later that week and left. When we got in the truck I was still crying and Hadlie asked what was wrong, it was the hardest thing to have to tell our little 3 year old who was so happy about having a baby brother or sister on the way that our little baby had died, she began to cry and asking why and how did it happened. When we got home she ran into the bathroom, slammed the door and started crying again. I asked her what was wrong and she said "My baby brother died and I don't want to talk about it." My parents came down right away to be there for us and help comfort me, I sat on the couch with them, cried and cried while they held me and told me everything would be okay.
The next few days were so hard to get through, knowing that I had a baby in my tummy but it was not alive. I felt so empty, so alone and that no one knew what I was going through. Nothing seemed to comfort me, all I could do was cry for days until I had my D&C.
The morning of my D&C we dropped Hadlie off at Cody's parents house, his dad gave me a blessing to help me know that the D&C would turn out just fine and to help comfort me.  Everything turned out just fine and we went home to recover and grieve.

Trying to conceive..

Three months after we got married Cody and I decided we wanted to add to our family!! In September 2010 I got my IUD out and we began trying to conceive. Nothing happened right away but we knew it wouldn't. In January 2011 I had my menstrual cycle, it wasn't like my normal ones though and I had very bad cramps. I think I had gotten pregnant but lost it right away. We kept trying and in February found out we were pregnant, we couldn't have been happier!! Everything seemed to be falling into place, we were getting ready to move and now expecting our second child but the happiness didn't last long... In March we went to the doctor for our ultrasound and found out that I had a Blited Ovum. (Where everything grows BUT a baby.)  We were so sad that it didn't work right and didn't know why this had happened. We scheduled a D&C to have everything taken out so I wouldn't have to go through all the cramping and pain but were told we could start to try again a few weeks later.

How it all started!!

Our Engagement Photo <3

Cody and I met back in Jr. High, he was in the 8th grade and I was in the 7th. We became very good friends and through out the years started dating a little. I had my beautiful daughter, Hadlie when I was 17. After I turned 19, Cody and I started dating again, he proposed to me 2 months after I turned 20. We have been a family ever since!!