After our loss I was so mad at everybody, no matter how many times I was
told "It will happen when the time is right." it didn't seem to help me
at all. Every pregnant lady I saw, I thought to my self "Why do you get
a baby and I don't?" Why did all these people get to be happy and
glowing with a cute little baby belly that I wanted so bad? I didn't want to feel this way, but I didn't know how to control it, I was hurting so bad in side. It was really hard to explain how I was really feeling. Two of my sister in laws had become pregnant and had their babies throughout the whole year we were trying, As much as I loved them and loved my little nephews I couldn't help but feel resentment towards them, that they got pregnant so fast and got to have a little baby and be so happy. I asked Cody one time "Why do they get to have babies but not me?" We were married and doing the right things, we had a good, healthy, happy marriage, so what were we doing wrong that they were doing so right?
After my feelings started calming down I started to think back to when I got pregnant with Hadlie at 17. My brother and his wife had been trying to have a baby for a while and couldn't get pregnant and they didn't know why it wasn't happening. When my parents told them that I was pregnant, his wife just started to cry. When I was around her I could feel the tension and resentment she had towards me for getting pregnant so young without being married when they had done it the right way, falling in love, getting married then trying to have a baby. I never really understood why she would feel that way about me and why she would be so mad, until after trying so hard and having so many losses of our own. I couldn't believe that I had those feelings towards my sister in laws and I felt horrible for it. I finally knew and understood why she felt that way towards me for so long.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Trying To Conceive Part 2
After the first D&C we had a hard time understanding how there was no baby. It took a little while to get over the loss even though there was no baby, we still felt like we lost something. We decided to keep trying and on May 12 we found out I was pregnant again, we were SO excited but at the same time we were a little scared that the same thing might happen. We decided to tell Hadlie that mommy had a baby in her tummy and that she would soon have a little brother or sister, she was so happy and would kiss my tummy everyday and say "I love you baby."
We had our one year anniversary on June 19 and the next day had our first doctor's appointment, we went to the doctor, had a exam then went in for our ultrasound. We were so excited to see our new little baby that would soon join our family. As I was laying there watching the TV screen I asked the Ultrasound Tech if there was a heart beat, she asked me if I wanted her to tell us what she thought about the baby, we said yes and she said "You should be 10 weeks but the baby is only measuring 6 weeks and there is no heart beat." I was completely devastated and began to cry. Cody stood by my side and held my hand while the doctor came in to talk to us about it. He reassured us that he would do everything he could to get us pregnant with a healthy baby no matter what it took. We made a appointment for another D&C for later that week and left. When we got in the truck I was still crying and Hadlie asked what was wrong, it was the hardest thing to have to tell our little 3 year old who was so happy about having a baby brother or sister on the way that our little baby had died, she began to cry and asking why and how did it happened. When we got home she ran into the bathroom, slammed the door and started crying again. I asked her what was wrong and she said "My baby brother died and I don't want to talk about it." My parents came down right away to be there for us and help comfort me, I sat on the couch with them, cried and cried while they held me and told me everything would be okay.
The next few days were so hard to get through, knowing that I had a baby in my tummy but it was not alive. I felt so empty, so alone and that no one knew what I was going through. Nothing seemed to comfort me, all I could do was cry for days until I had my D&C.
The morning of my D&C we dropped Hadlie off at Cody's parents house, his dad gave me a blessing to help me know that the D&C would turn out just fine and to help comfort me. Everything turned out just fine and we went home to recover and grieve.
We had our one year anniversary on June 19 and the next day had our first doctor's appointment, we went to the doctor, had a exam then went in for our ultrasound. We were so excited to see our new little baby that would soon join our family. As I was laying there watching the TV screen I asked the Ultrasound Tech if there was a heart beat, she asked me if I wanted her to tell us what she thought about the baby, we said yes and she said "You should be 10 weeks but the baby is only measuring 6 weeks and there is no heart beat." I was completely devastated and began to cry. Cody stood by my side and held my hand while the doctor came in to talk to us about it. He reassured us that he would do everything he could to get us pregnant with a healthy baby no matter what it took. We made a appointment for another D&C for later that week and left. When we got in the truck I was still crying and Hadlie asked what was wrong, it was the hardest thing to have to tell our little 3 year old who was so happy about having a baby brother or sister on the way that our little baby had died, she began to cry and asking why and how did it happened. When we got home she ran into the bathroom, slammed the door and started crying again. I asked her what was wrong and she said "My baby brother died and I don't want to talk about it." My parents came down right away to be there for us and help comfort me, I sat on the couch with them, cried and cried while they held me and told me everything would be okay.
The next few days were so hard to get through, knowing that I had a baby in my tummy but it was not alive. I felt so empty, so alone and that no one knew what I was going through. Nothing seemed to comfort me, all I could do was cry for days until I had my D&C.
The morning of my D&C we dropped Hadlie off at Cody's parents house, his dad gave me a blessing to help me know that the D&C would turn out just fine and to help comfort me. Everything turned out just fine and we went home to recover and grieve.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Trying to conceive..
Three months after we got married Cody and I decided we wanted to add to our family!! In September 2010 I got my IUD out and we began trying to conceive. Nothing happened right away but we knew it wouldn't. In January 2011 I had my menstrual cycle, it wasn't like my normal ones though and I had very bad cramps. I think I had gotten pregnant but lost it right away. We kept trying and in February found out we were pregnant, we couldn't have been happier!! Everything seemed to be falling into place, we were getting ready to move and now expecting our second child but the happiness didn't last long... In March we went to the doctor for our ultrasound and found out that I had a Blited Ovum. (Where everything grows BUT a baby.) We were so sad that it didn't work right and didn't know why this had happened. We scheduled a D&C to have everything taken out so I wouldn't have to go through all the cramping and pain but were told we could start to try again a few weeks later.
How it all started!!
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| Our Engagement Photo <3 |
Cody and I met back in Jr. High, he was in the 8th grade and I was in the 7th. We became very good friends and through out the years started dating a little. I had my beautiful daughter, Hadlie when I was 17. After I turned 19, Cody and I started dating again, he proposed to me 2 months after I turned 20. We have been a family ever since!!
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